Choices
by msgmelo
Summary: My take on the Shepard's decision on Virmire, and how/why she made it. Paragade, Renegon, Renegade, Paragon-she could fit all of the categories. Rated T for slight language.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: This is the first time I've posted, so if you could let me know how I do that would be wonderful. My Shepard is based on the Earth born/sole survivor background, and she has a sort of Paragade outlook, though not in the traditional sense. This might become a two-shot.**

**Bioware owns anything you recognize.**

* * *

"And that makes what I'm about to ask you even more difficult," Kirrahe said. "I need one of your men to accompany me. To help coordinate the teams."

"We'll need someone who knows Alliance communication protocols," Shepard mused. That narrowed down the list to either Williams or Alenko. And she knew that whoever she sent, she was likely sending them to their deaths.

"I volunteer, Commander," Kaidan piped up. _Of course you do._ He knew what it meant. And, Shepard was sure, he wanted to show off his "toughness" to her.

"Not so fast, LT," Ashley countered. "Commander Shepard needs your help to arm the nuke. I'll go with the salarians."

"With all due respect, Gunnery Chief, it's not your place to decide," Kaidan said testily.

"Why is it whenever someone says 'with all due respect' they really mean 'kiss my ass?'" Williams asked no one in particular. Shepard could almost hear Ashley's eyes rolling, which made her smirk slightly.

"Who would be better suited for the mission?" Shepard asked Kirrahe, ignoring both of them. She didn't really care what Kirrahe thought, but she knew it was the right thing to do. And it would look like she cared more, that it was a tough decision.

"Either of these two will do, Commander. Both seem willing to sacrifice their lives if necessary, though if we are lucky, such sacrifices won't be required." Shepard had to resist the urge to snort at that. Luck would have nothing to do with it, she knew. It would take skill and numbers, and they only had one.

She knew that both Williams and Alenko had the necessary skills to arm a nuke if needed. So the real question was who could she afford to lose? She weighed both of their skills carefully in her mind. Kaidan Alenko was a biotic and a tech, but he couldn't come on a lot of missions because of his migraines, and she had better biotics on hand. And Tali was a better tech than Kaidan could ever hope to be, and even Shepard herself was better than him. Ashley Williams was a soldier, pure and simple. But she was smart about it—she may have lost her squad, but she survived, which was very impressive considering the state of Eden Prime.

It looked like there was really only one logical choice. "Alenko, you're with the captain. Keep it simple, understood?" Shepard ordered. She made eye contact with him, and she could see that he understood what she was doing.

"Aye aye, Commander."

Kirrahe gave them a few final instructions, before walking off to organize his men.

"Well, this is it." Alenko started after he was out of ear shot. "Don't do anything foolish while I'm gone, Ash. That goes for you too, Commander," he said, turning to Shepard. She raised an eyebrow at that, but let it slide.

"We'll be fine, LT," Ashley assured him.

"Yeah, I just…" Kaidan hesitated. "Good luck," he finished lamely. There was his self-preservation kicking, and his doubt at his abilities to return.

"Is there something you wanted to say, Kaidan?" Shepard asked, trying to sound sincere and kind.

"It's just weird, going under someone else's command. I've gotten so used to working with you…all of you," Kaidan said awkwardly. _Not a chance, Kaidan._ It was getting harder for Shepard not to roll her eyes at him. She knew that that was not what he really wanted to say.

"Don't worry so much. We'll see you on the other side," Ashley said, sounding like she was trying to convince herself, too. _No Ashley, we won't._ Shepard could feel it in her gut.

"I know, I um," Kaidan hesitated again. "I just wanted to say it's been an honor serving with you, Commander." He sounded very earnest, Shepard almost felt bad for him. Almost.

"It doesn't matter if we're not in the same unit, we're still a team. Watch each other's backs, keep your eyes open and fight like I know you can. We'll all come out of this in one piece." It was scary how good Shepard was getting at this. It sounded like she actually believed what she was saying, with just the right amount of worry underlying her tone, to show that she cared.

"You bet, Commander," Kaidan said softly, before going to join Captain Kirrahe's men.

She never liked Kaidan, anyways.

* * *

"Commander, do you read me?" Kaidan's voice came over the comm.

"The nuke is almost ready, Lieutenant. Get to the rendezvous point!" Shepard didn't let any of her exasperation leak into her voice.

"Negative, Commander. The geth have us pinned down on the AA tower. We've taken heavy casualties. We'll never make the rendezvous point in time!" There was gunfire in the background.

"Get them out of there, Joker. Now!" Shepard commanded.

"Negative, it's too hot! You can't risk it. We'll hold them off as long as we c—"

"It's okay, Commander," Ashley cut Kaidan off. "I need a couple of minutes to finish arming the nuke. Go get them and meet me back here." Shepard nodded.

"Up to the AA tower," she ordered, turning to Garrus and Wrex. "Move!"

The three of them run to the door, only to be stopped by a group of Saren's krogan. Shepard sighed. It was never that simple, was it? They managed to gun their way through, Shepard mindful to stay behind Wrex in case he changed his mind about the genophage cure. That obstacle passed, they started jogging towards the AA towers.

"Damn, geth are sending in reinforcements," Wrex muttered as they saw a geth dropship flying low overhead, heading towards the bomb sight.

"Chief, we just spotted a troop ship in bound to your location." Kaidan's voice, a little late.

"It's already here, and it's bleeding geth all over the bomb sight!" Ashley sounded a little bit panicky.

"Can you hold them off?" Shepard asked her, already knowing the answer.

"There's too many! I don't think we can hold them!" Ashely cried. "I'm activating the nuke!"

That was a little unexpected. "What are you doing, Chief?" Shepard asked, harsher than she intended.

"Making sure this bomb goes off. No matter what." Williams was determined. "It's done, Commander. Go get the Lieutenant and get the hell out of here!"

"Belay that. We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Williams," Alenko ordered. Shepard was getting a little tired of getting ordered around by the two of them.

"Williams, radio Joker and tell him to meet us at the bomb site," Shepard ordered. In hindsight, she probably should have hesitated a little longer to appear as if it was a tough decision, but speed was the key here. She didn't have time to worry about her squad's feelings—she had already given up Kaidan for dead the second she told him to go with Kirrahe. And securing the bomb site was much more important.

"Yes, Commander. I…" Ashely's voice broke.

"It's the right choice and you know it, Ash." Shepard could hear the hurt and fear in Kaidan's voice, despite him trying to cover it up with bravado.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I had to make a choice," Shepard said sincerely. She was sorry, and she did have to make a choice. She just wasn't necessarily sorry that Kaidan had to die. Technicalities.

"I understand, Commander. I don't regret a thing."

"Don't lie to me, Kaidan," Shepard said softly before running back to Ashley.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Thank you for the reviews! To the guest reviewer, I hope this explains the reasoning a little more-I see what you mean, but I'm going to stick with it.**

**Bioware owns anything you recognize.**

* * *

"Shepard!" Liara called, running towards them as soon as Shepard, Ashley, Garrus, and Wrex entered the cargo hold on the Normandy. Shepard looked up, but it seemed to Garrus that she didn't really want to talk.

"Everybody hold on!" Joker's voice interrupted whatever Liara was going to say, as the Normandy was knocked by the shockwave of the nuke's explosion. Garrus winced—Alenko had seemed to be a nice enough guy. For a human.

"Shepard," Liara said again, softer. "It wasn't your fault."

"I know that," Shepard snapped, which seemed to catch Liara off guard. It certainly caught Garrus off guard. It didn't seem like she _did_ know that, but then again, he wasn't that good at reading human body language. She seemed troubled about something though, all the same.

"Oh, sorry. I thought—" Liara stammered.

"I know what you thought!" Shepard retorted, before taking a deep breath and continuing slowly and somewhat emotionlessly. "I'm sorry. I don't want to discuss me right now. We'll have a debrief in ten minutes in the conference room."

_Shepard,_ Garrus decided, _is a very confusing human._

* * *

Shepard and Garrus found themselves working on the Mako after the mission debriefing—Shepard on the interior, Garrus on the undercarriage, as usual. It seemed to Garrus that Shepard was not in a good mood. Which would be putting it mildly. There were a lot more curses and bangs coming from where she was working than usual.

"Shepard?" Garrus finally asked hesitantly.

"What?" Shepard all but growled.

"Are you okay?"

"No," Shepard replied after a pregnant silence.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Garrus wasn't sure why he was offering his help—the commander didn't seem to like him much—but there was something different about the commander. She wasn't her usual silent self. And she _had_ just left one of her squad to die.

"Did you know that you're the first person to ask? Everyone else seems to assume they know what I feel and that I will talk to them about it. Not whether or not I _want_ to." Shepard paused. "I don't like the feeling of guilt," she admitted.

"Not many people do," Garrus said wryly. "Why do you feel guilty?" he added, more seriously. Shepard seemed to respond better to questions than she had to the others' expressions of sympathy.

"Because I don't feel guilty."

Okay, now Garrus was really confused. "You feel guilty because you don't feel guilty? I don't think I will ever understand humans." Shepard chuckled at that, which made Garrus flare his mandibles in the turian version of a smile. Shepard didn't laugh very often.

"I'm not guilty for sending Kaidan to his death. But I know I should be, so I feel guilty that I'm not," Shepard tried to explain. That…sort of made sense. But it made Garrus question Shepard's grasp on emotion.

"So why don't you feel guilty?"

"Because it was the logical decision. Williams is more valuable to me than Alenko was, and Alenko's biotics could help the salarian's team, which would help the whole mission. There's no real point at feeling guilty, because it was the only real option."

"But Kaidan was a higher ranking officer," Garrus pointed out. "Wouldn't that make him more valuable?"

"I'm a Spectre now. Making sure my team has the best chance to defeat Saren is more important than making sure the Alliance has enough officers. This is bigger than just humanity."

"But you're still part of the Alliance, right? Won't they be upset with you?"

"I answer to a higher power than the Alliance," Shepard argued.

Garrus conceded on that. "So it was a logical decision for you," he verified. Shepard agreed. "Nothing to do with the lietenant's…_interest_ in you nor your distaste in him?" Shepard went silent—even the sounds of her working quieted. Garrus worried that he may have overstepped his bounds—or, that he had hit on the real reason Kaidan was dead and Ashley was alive. He wasn't sure which would be worse.

Finally he heard her move, and had a moment of panic when she crawled underneath the Mako with him. He had a healthy level of respect for the commander, but sometimes she got a look in her eye that completely terrified him.

"Garrus," she stated emotionlessly after her head was level with his. "You will not tell anyone or anything of what I am about to tell you." Despite the fact that Shepard had ordered more than asked, Garrus nodded in agreement.

"Alenko was an annoyance and his attentions were unwanted. He wanted to throw off the balance of the team, and he couldn't seem to take no for an answer. Ashley is more stable and I have more confidence in her ability to survive. I'm not sorry that he is off the mission. So no, I didn't like him. Yes, that did factor in my decision. _But it was not the only reason._"

Garrus was stunned. _This_ was the famed human, the poster-child of the Alliance? _This_ was the first human Spectre? She gave off a good front, he would readily admit, but she was a psychopath.

"Garrus?" she asked after he didn't respond. He remained silent. He saw Shepard nod out of the corner of his eye before she started to maneuver herself out from under the Mako. "I'm sorry," she whispered as she went, an unknown emotion in her voice—one of the only times emotion entered her voice. Which confused Garrus even more. She sounded like she truly meant it.

He pondered what she had said to him, trying to reconcile the face she showed the galaxy with the one she had shown him. What began to scare him, though, was the realization that he understood what she had said. It made sense. _And what was she apologizing for?_

* * *

"Attention, crew of the Normandy," Shepard's voice came over the intercom later. "I know that losing Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko was a tough blow. But I promise you, once we are done with this mission, I will personally see to it that a memorial for him is placed on both Virmire and on Earth, and I will request for one on the Citadel. But, we will not let this setback defeat us. His sacrifice will not be forgotten, and we will honor that sacrifice by bringing Saren down, and the Reapers with him. Shepard out." Some ragged cheering followed Shepard's announcement, but Garrus didn't join in.

_What is she trying to prove?_ And more importantly, who was she trying to prove it to?


End file.
